its so easy to remain young.. but it is very hard & painful to get old.. u practically have nothing to do, when u gt to that age.. u r bound to ur chair and u r limited with just smiles.. what u can give is just wishes and nothing more than that .. i feel the same way, with nothing to offer and nothing to get other than just smiles... i feel terribily old today
time is flying by.. with nothing much to do in life.. feels like finished and i feel that my duties are over.. now its time for me to go... go away from everything.. the unique 'you' has been dead for very long.. nothing matters to me anymore.. restricted from each & everything.. i lost myself from every feelings that i had.. relations.. left behind, no one cares about each other.. everyone striving for life, while i strive for death .. yrs in maintaining relations, maintaining words, my feelings, my things.. now.. nothing matters, for whatever may happen to anything... no tears to wipe.. and one day the remaining smiles will be mine alone... i am preparing for anything now.. anything that can make me thank the almighty, for taking my soul too with him.. i hope i live up to his dreams that he might have seen for me..

today i decided to petrify myself.. but i did not have any portions for it.. may be i am already petrified.. its been always hard inside.. a feeling of burden, a feeling of decolonize.. i know loneliness have swept in long before.. but still i am trying to be myself in my self made cocoon.. i need nobody to rock me, nobody to smile at me.. cause everything is just manky. there wasnt a day when i felt 'ok.. something good would happen to me..'.. cause i know nothing is so gr8 to talk about.. everyone has those perfect lifestyle.. creating one for themselves.. but smile all the way around , showing that criticisms wouldnt hurt them at all cause they have the power.. and then smile.. saying .. "what rubbish".." u dont know anything".. yes.. i know i dont know anything.. just one thing, and that is to stay inside my cocoon
anyone could become sanctimonious, but only in their own terms and only in their cocoon.. and once they try to impose their impurity in u, ur outburst would be taken as outcast.. and then u get back to ur nest..

i dont know , y am writing words, which i can say is not imbued with for anyone outside my nest.. hope everything is misspelt, as it always has been.. and that nobody conform anything, sitting in their cocoon...

misspelt

Words have started deceiving me

Since I started writing

It spells wrong

It takes me to another meaning

 

Dictions are of no use

They are in wrong order

They do not show me the correct sense

The correct border

 

Grammar was always right

Now it has started misleading me

I cannot read anything

Even the book known to me

 

Binding was once my hobby

Wrote, then bonded just for me

Now everything lies in here and there

Without anything printed on it

What is there in life

What is there in life…

It has become stationary…

U use it to use it..

Then left over are thrown away..

What is there in life

That we see nothing

Gathering all truth

& putting it in the garbage

What is there in life

That tells us

U r “wrong”

Each and every time u try to speak

What is there n life

that u cannot sleep

Dead against sleep

U owe it to everyone

What is there in life

When u r not yourself

And u loose ur identity

Death too shy’s away from u

What is there in life

Nothing but a blank page

For anyone to scribble

For anyone to tear it off..

What is there in life…

Life gone away

Gone away

Away…………

Freaky mind

Life in constant war with death

by no means I was involved.

it was war of a century

but I never knew where it was,

in or out.

Followed everyone's path

with fierceness

with a fife near my lips

looked here & there

with utmost fervour.

Deep inside me

was a gazebo

but i found nothing to gaze

just the material earth & the kinetic sky

with the war behind.

Became a kleptomaniac

from everybody's looks

became lame & tensed

when i tried to keep one foot at a step

peeking behind for the warriors to take me,

from me within.

closed my eyes & prayed till nothing happened

it was all a freaky mind

with nothing ever happened

and nothing to discover in it.

granny

As i pay my tribute to githanjali.. i dedicate one of her poems to my granny written by githanjali..
The Heart of gold
Grannies are many
And many more there will be
But this Granny
I am talking about
Is none other than
My Bibi.

My granny is not
just mine
(though very much she's my own)
she's in no small measures too
yes, that's exactly, what she is
with a heart of gold and as large
As the ocean wide.

Sympathetic she is to the core
she'll deny herself a morsel
And feed u more
She is always there when needed
sunshine, rain or thunder
Whether it will cost her health
She little cares for that
just that moment all she cares
Is that you need her care.

If i am not much in pain
Its because....
She's on war path with HIM
Her prayers go hand in hand
with my grandpa's
Knock the doors of
Heaven above
And melt the heart of god.

I worship the ground
she walks on, and kiss her
with my eyes --- bless her soul!
She is the most adorable
cause, she's not just my grandma
she's the maker of my mother divine.

When she laughs
i like her best
for she has those moments rare
I pray to god and wish her well
for all the times to come
may god give her
tons of courage
to cover my form
With a touch -of-iron
In her heart of gold.

gitanjali

i was going through one of my mothers poccession .. a book of poems by githanjali..... i came to know her pain, her distress thorugh her poems.. this girl of sixteen ,called gitanjali, died of cancer and her mother came t know of these poems several months later after her death..

As i was going through the book, i felt some phrases, which felt some closeness between me and githanjali.. may be the feelings of our inner self, would be similar or we in other words, we were sharing the same feelings.. only thing she wrote the poems ,after she accepted the reality, the reality of death..

i quote some of her mind here , which i felt very close to mine..
The Sound Of Silence
The sound of silence
is over-bearing
my feeble heart & soul.
Its knawing at me,
day and night, even
when people around
me are galore.

The sound of silence
is deffening for i am
carried away by my thoughts
even though when its a
pin -drop silence
my mind is in chaos.

There are so many questions
i ask myself
but meet a sound proof wall
the same sound...
of silence
bounces back
and hits me hard.

This sound of silence
will soon one day
carry me to the ...
silent tower
which i often see
in my dreams...
upon the hill top.

The way to the tower
is well trodden
hence
i am not afraid to go
for i have not sinned
or wronged any living soul..

womans day

I know that i am being very lazy now a days.. but lots of work to do.. being a woman is so tough but i love womanhood.. well yesterday was the day for women.. but i think, each day is ours.. we inherit lots of qualities than men.. i am not being a feminist by saying so.. i just meant that we may be more stronger mentally than physically.. our feelings are in our hands.. and our freedom of expressions are vast.. but men they do have their limitations, but enjoy more of their freedom..
But anyhow we cannot live without men around.. even though some of them make us the most uncomfortable person ..
Anyways hats off to those many women , who have achieved a lot in life and has made our country proud.. i bow before my mother and her ancestors who has given me the freedom to be what i am.. and to think beyond what they thought..

Thorns

life is going through hell
dont know when i would reach heaven
the passage is very clear,
but defined, with thorns

the sun never shown
darkness around
even on the otherside
i dreamt wildly

stars were burning red
the moon was not round
clouds started to wash away
i decided to wash all the sins that i carried around

i woke up with nothing in my mind
there was invisibility around me
i was floating in the air
still with thorns everywere

i prayed hard
i wanted to cry
but something made me laugh
something, that made me cry.

mind

Mind could work hard in whatever it has to decide
It could take turns, deviations, fly, swim and what not
It is like a rainbow, which has all the colors
But not seen that easily

When we are alone, we start digging ourselves
We tend to get confused, irritated, & frustrated
We cannot accept any compromise
We cannot clean the roads we are taking

I see the long lanes ahead of me
But the destination is not yet found
The greenery around me says
U r on the right track

The flowers, between the shrubs
Trying to talk to me, comfort me
Trying to create a zone of love, care & understanding
Trying to shower their beliefs all around me

The thorns trying to pull me towards it
Trying to show that its all worse ahead
Trying to poke me with hatred
It’s theirs and my end

Still I want to cross those lanes
Still I want to go ahead
Accepting all truths
Accepting my mind

am in cochin

hi .. i am in cochin right now, sitting in front of the computer to write something about the time that i spent this time here.. well well, its like a jounalist talk right?? as usual, i am here in gods own country in my nativ place.. shuttling between my grannys and kannans house... well maintaining the happiness they all expect from me.. giving them all the smiles... and hiding all the worry lines that has slowly started apearing.... everything went fine.. the pooja at pambemekaadu temple (the snake temple), was well done by the 'thirumeni' and we had the blessings of getting inside the 'naalukettu' and the vision was really more than the common eyes experience.. there was the 'keda villuke' which only very few people had the liberty to view and get the blessings. so over all the gods have blessed us..

Its so hot in kerala this time of the year... may b chennai is not so hot. but ernakulam is my place.. how muchever it gets hotter, i can never hate my place.. i know its nook and corner and each road is familiar to me.. i have grown up walking through those roads.. these roads have held me up high and has without any complaints carried me and my past truly , passionately and indifferently.. it has allways been there with me in my rough times.. anyway dont think its strange to talk about the roads of kerala.. but i feel that one should experience it, as when someone is hurt or angry or frustrated and u cannot show it to anyone... just talk a long walk and pheeewwwwwwwwwwww........ there goes all of it.. it makes u understand yourself and gives u time to think of what u did and what u were going to do...
my time in kerala is ending with just one more day to go.. tommorow i take off to chennai and would be coming back in april for my bros marriage.. so chaooo

today

World cannot give u all the happiness
The happiness u lack is the happiness of ur friends and foes
For others I m just a friend, daughter or wife
What am I … for myself is yet to be found

Self realization is one word that has to be defined
The definition can be an elaborate or a simple one
But that is a long way to go
I have to wake up before I sleep again & moan

Life can take u in different directions
But it is up to u to choose the way
It should be a way were all ur worries end
It should be a way were all ur doubts forgo

Desiring and dreaming for yet a gr8 day to come
Where everything related to me would be in my stride
I walk around all the unknown streets
Breaking my head around & slipping by

old friends

hey.. i am happy today for the fact that, i am getting my old friends back in to my life... so happy that, may be i did not know happiness for a long time.. i am thrilled.., excited, and what not.. i never ever thought i would get them back again.. well i know that earth is a small place and u may find ur lost friends at any part of the globe... but it never comes in to ur mind... we would be on our journey from a girl to womanhood and from a single life to a house keeper.. and in between, we loose a lot of things... our situations would be different.. life wud be really really not to our satisfaction and adjustment paves way for us to lead a 'ok' life..

suddenly, when we hear a hi from someone very close to us, its like u got the globe in ur hand.. and that u r just orbiting the universe..
i hope this happiness never ends...

chengalath tharavadu

I belong to the great chengalath family, and i was very happy to know there exixts a community in orkut too.. i dont know most of the people, or i would say the current generation.. when i was small, my grand ma used to take me to my 'tharavadu' in kannur and we all used to meet up.. there is a devi temple near it, which i still remember and lots of memories with it.. i dont know whether the puthiya veedu and ambuja valliammas tharavadu is still there .. lots of memories with it too.. gosh, i really feel to be there once again , spend like old times, how happy we all were..
i remember the time we had ,during that big pooja which lasted for around ten days or so and we all were staying together at payaye veedu .. me, raghumama's daughter krishna, girija ammayis sons, sunil and manju , padmini valiammas son, puthiya veetil raju chettan, all the valliammas and valiachans and the 'peekiri pillers'(who have grown up today) . well the younger ones had their share of duty and fun too.. Me and krishna was mostly assigned to pluck flowers, & be a helping hand in the kitchen,.. the boys were send out to town to get things... then it was the night time were we had lots of fun with anthakshari , and a nice classical hit by padmini valiamma.. she has a great voice..
well to write about the ten day fun & laughter, i have to go really back around 15 yrs may be. god, its been 15 yrs since i saw these people.. i miss them all so much... i miss those times.. hope to get such times back again..
i hope they all remember me and stay in touch.. cause now its a busy world, and people who stay together itself, doesnt have time for each other..
giving a big thanks to appu mama, ambuja valiamma, the late bhaskara mama, raghu mama, raju mama, & my loving granny, for giving me such great cherishable moments in our tharavadu and being honoured to be a part of chengalath family..

love u all

i dont know why relations are going strained these days... Money is one matter.. and is to be blamed... if there is money u r the best of people around, if nothing with u , who are u?, is the question to be answered.. if there is anything u need, everyone has problems, if they need something , u ought to have something with u or else it would be a big mistake in life.. the next conversational line would be " oh! she is so well off and yet she says ,' she doesnt have money'". when will people try to accept a 'no' and an 'yes'??? nothing is permenant.. but what is there now is there still, we cannot change it.. whatever may be the problems we have to fight , even if there is worthiness or not, we have to accept changes..

No one can love each other these days. Those were the days that love could overrule anthing that matters, but now, just for the sake of saying, that i love him or i love her, we say.. but we are never true to anyone or true to ourself too.. just for the sake of 'society' , we say things that we never mean or can do.. its just ur saying..

i cant understand y all these are getting inside us to matter, y cant each person accept the way they are , or the situation they are in.. y dont people understand each other first rather than loving and caring...

boring day

today was such a boring day.. not even sun is bright or the crows are getting on my nerves.. and not to talk about the mosquitoes, just waiting to see the darkness around .. nothing comes into my mind , nothing is important today.. sleep is also not in the neighbourhood, food and clothing are done .. as far as housework is concerned everything is up to date... and still there is something lacking .. may be i have to kill some mosquitoes, or may be i have to redo those vessels , or may be i have to shut down this stupid computer ... talking about my pc, i say,
sitting in front of the computer, knowing that there is a tendency to become the biggest boredom of the day, i still wished and was searching something to do with the boring mind, hunting, not sure for what... i really dont know how people spend time without watching the realities of life..., it could be a blooming flower, or the cloud covering up the sky, or even the silliest of all, someone playing a prank....
well again another day would pass tommorow, without any plans, without kannan, boredom lying around here and there..

lonliness

What am I hoping for
What dreams do I have
I can see nothing on my way
Nothing overcame me

Life has become meaningless
Do not know what I gained
Sometimes u sit and cry
And u do not know the reason why

It may take seasons
It may take years
It may take a hell to try
Try me with all the happiness again

I caused no harm, I wished no life
Then y this sorrow if not any singing bird
I would have laughed away,
If I had heaven insight

hi

emerging from darkness... this is what my friend suggested to have a name when i write an autobiography... well i thought of writing some blogs first and then see what would happen... well hope that i do be true to myself first, before i start writing something... there would be quiet an amount of faithfull paragraphs that u may relate to.. so if u all feel that this is not right, do just forget about reading them...

today being a valentines day, its horrible to say that i did not get anything for my dear hubby.. but, is it neccessary that u should give something to ur dear to show that u love him or her.., i dont think so.. and after being in marriage for 8 yrs, there is no need to say whether love is still in the air..
but i wish all those couples who are ready to get to live along for their whole life a very happy secured life..